


Ikigai

by TheStarsHaveAligned



Category: Messiah Project - All Media Types
Genre: A reason to live, M/M, Trusting, messiah as a concept, the reason for being
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 20:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4277415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStarsHaveAligned/pseuds/TheStarsHaveAligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because thanks to Haku, Eiri had found something to hold onto. And hopefully, had become something Haku could hold onto in return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ikigai

**Author's Note:**

> 生き甲斐 - A reason for being.
> 
> (set in Dou no Shou with a retrospective of Shikkoku no Shou)
> 
> Eiri's pov.  
> mentions to Shuusuke and Souma.

Because there is always a limit to everything, Eiri thought, there had to be a limit to Haku’s relentless histrionics. To his antics. To the mess his bed - _their room_ \- had become, and to how many sweets a person could eat without falling sick. And a limit to how far he’d go to push Eiri away.  
  
Being a messiah as a concept was something that Eiri could not really grasp at the beginning; leaving your life in the hands of other, trusting your back to someone you barely knew, what could _possibly_ go wrong? What if that person slacked, what if that person looked as if he did not give a damn about anything or anyone from the beginning? And it was not that Eiri _really_ cared at all about humanity -for too long nobody had given a damn about him as a person, so why should he- but there was a difference between not caring for the complex human lives outside his reach, and not caring for the person whose back you are supposedly covering.  
  
If everything was to be taken away from him, Eiri would still need to have control over his life; just quietly handing it to another person would not do.  
  
Even more if that someone looked as if he was in the same disagreement with being paired with him as he was.  
  
Haku proved himself to be not the kind that strongly disagreed with something or someone though; instead he’d just nonchalantly observe and intervene in the last moment. Arguments with him settled even before starting; because differently from Eiri, Haku did not stall, or throw a fit. He would just show an icy indifference that made Eiri boil.  
  
(Two do not argue if one does not want to and that’s exasperating.)  
  
The Church seemed to have a really sick and twisted way to pair Messiahs; not only did it seem they wanted messiahs to believe in themselves more than the own organization believed in such values, but also, Eiri wondered if this was not a joke, or worse, a way for the Church to dispose of him in the most efficient way -after all it was not as if he was a very valuable member of society if not by his skills, and such could be _easily_ learnt.-  
  
Because chances of survival paired with someone as Haku? Let’s be honest, even with his jinx all this time Eiri had only trusted his back against a wall. No blind spots and the possibility to defend himself against enemies. All this years the only thing that had kept him alive had been himself; trusting his back required of something more than a word; _Messiah_ as a concept was not enough reassurance. He did not know Haku. And Haku did not seem about to let himself be known.  
  
But it turned out they were compatible in their own incompatibilities; they suited each other well as messiahs and work was efficiently done. The problem came once the mission was over and Haku went back to being absolutely insufferable.  
  
It was as if every joke he could make went up exponentially when it was towards Eiri.  
  
(Sometimes Eiri would look at Shuusuke and plead a reason for this, and Shuusuke would look back at him in resignation, tap in the shoulder and the best of lucks.)  
  
Because Haku had two sides, or at least, two sides that Eiri had seen; he did not behave with him as he did with Souma, or Shuusuke. Haku could be childish, yes, but he could also be open, and could _actually_ empathically relate with others. But when it came to the shared room they had, to the moments they spoke or interacted out of a mission, Haku was, by all definitions, a hedgehog.  
  
And it really took time for Eiri to see this, though he did not understand it. Of course you cannot expect to open to everyone just as you meet them, but Haku was not even trying; even though he treated Eiri with something close to familiarity, there was always a wall between them and their relationship remained strictly professional. Eiri wondered what could the reason be for Haku to have all his defenses up when it seemed everyone in Sakura tried to create bonds with their messiahs as soon as possible, even the recently re-paired Souma and Shuusuke.  
  
(And even though that issue had been difficult and painful, they had finally made it through thanks to communication and trust.)  
  
Trusting is never easy. It never is, to leave a door open and let a stranger take a look at the depths of your insecurities. Even if Eiri had wanted to believe a bond could be formed, his door’s hinges had melted and the door had gotten stuck. But if that was how it was for Eiri, even more difficult was to have access to Haku’s door. From the beginning Eiri could not even find it; at some point he had started to question if such door existed. If it was not that Haku was really unreachable, no matter how he tried.  
  
And yet. There are times when everything is burning around you and you have to find a escape and what was blocked provides the only exit. It’s then, when trusting each other it’s a matter of survival, that the only thing you can do is kick and knock down whatever obstacle is between life and death.  
  
Haku’s door existed, but it was hidden under layers of fear, under a pile of remorses, and once Eiri reached it the level of vulnerability of that door left him speechless. If his door had been almost burnt to the ashes that surrounded him, Haku’s door was a fragile piece of wood full of holes; as if it had tried to shield too many bullets. As if that door had been the last barricade between a war and his heart.  
  
The care to open that door made Eiri realise why Haku had been so distant, so cautious, so sly with him. That door was a single bullet away from crumbling into scraps.  
  
It had taken too much, for too long.  
  
And Eiri really wished he was not the last bullet that door could bear. For the first time in a long time he wished to live if only to shield that door, protect it and reconstruct it, and not be the cause of its destruction. He did not want to add to Haku’s list of regrets. The control Eiri wanted -needed- over his life and death, he was willing to hand it to Haku if that gave meaning to his life. To their lives. They’d live to mend each other; even if their own lives meant nothing for themselves, at least they could save each other. And the only thing they had to do was to not die.  
  
It was then that the word Messiah finally made sense to him.  
  
Because thanks to Haku, Eiri had found something to hold onto. And hopefully, had become something Haku could hold onto in return.


End file.
